The before picture

Recently a good friend of mine sent me a text about a photo I posted to Facebook…

She said  “you ever see a picture of yourself and say OMG it’s time to lose weight?….thanks for tagging me because now I have mine” .  I said YES. I knew EXACTLY what she was talking about and EXACTLY how she felt. I have 3 of those photos…. 1…….2…….3

 


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I remembered where I was standing & what I was doing the moment I was tagged in each of these 3 photos. I remember feeling horrified, embarrassed, angry & in disbelief that I had let myself get to this weight. I simply hadn’t seen it in the mirror, but the photos were a serious reality. It was a wake up call to me, I put on at least 20 maybe 30 pounds to my 4’11’ frame and I simply wasn’t healthy or happy. Naturally my head went to the place it had been so many times before, “Omg I need to go on a diet & I need to lose all this weight as quickly as possible” And I actually felt defeated thinking about another quick fix diet because I knew that it wouldn’t work and the weight would come back. But at the same time I felt panicked and scared of staying at this weight. Not to mention, I wanted these photos off facebook ASAP!

Shortly after the time of these photos, I got engaged & the thought of even trying to crash diet for my wedding again was painful and exhausting. I had been down this road so many times. I hated it so much. I confided in my then fiance (now husband) Sean & he supported me seeking real, true help from a professional, a NYC based nutritionist named Maria. She changed my life and will forever hold a special place in my heart.

My goal when I first met her was this:

1. Lose weight for my wedding

2. Don’t ever gain it back

I had 16 months until my wedding. She gave me a plan and it worked but she also  peeled back the layers and helped me uncover the truth of my disordered eating and my constant yo yo.

I keep these photos in my phone as a reminder, not of the weight I was in those pictures, but who I was in those pictures. To me, the weight in those pictures isn’t physical fat, its the weight of a lifetime of diets weighing on me. And when I shed those awful diets & awful restrictions, I shed the weight too.

This picture was recently posted of me & my sister on instagram, and for the first time, I am happy with the way I look. But more importantly I am happy about how I got there, without starving & without crash dieting.

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So back to my wonderful friend, I was so incredibly happy she texted me that night, because I did know, I knew to well that my heart ached for her, thinking she was in the place I was two years ago, all because of a damn picture. But I hope she & anyone who has a photo just like this uses it as a tool, a piece of knowledge to propel  forward, not as a means of self hatred.

I cannot wait to see her after photo 🙂

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